Lie About Unnecessary Things

02Apr11

Lying gets a bad rap. People say it’s wrong, it hurts people. I say phooey.
I lie to my sister all the time. Once, after a day in the city, I told my sister I’d met Woody Harrelson. I crafted an entire fake conversation that we had together. She, of course, believed me, because what’s the point in lying about a thing like that? The point is, it was funny and she still gets mad about it when I mention it. That makes me happy. It’s good for the soul.

The trick is never to lie about important stuff. That can get you in trouble. But lying about unnecessary shit is fun. Maybe even good for you. To get people to believe your bullshit you have to be really creative and think on your feet. In fact, a scientist in Sweden has done a lot of research on the health benefits of lying. Apparently, usage of the part of your brain that is involved with crafting a lie helps ward off dementia and Alzheimer’s, just like doing a crossword puzzle. Actually, that whole scientist thing was a lie. But the point is, I feel my brain working and it feels good.

Lying to strangers is a great way to start before you get your family, friends and boss in on the fun. When someone asks you your dog’s name on the street, don’t tell them the truth. They don’t really care anyway. Say his name is Crampy Legs or Soup Candle or Body Butter. If it’s weird enough, they’ll go home and tell their friends about it. Now you’re bringing joy into countless people’s lives. I tell people that my sister’s dog Ash was named after Ashton Kutcher. She hates that but it makes people laugh. Pay it forward.

Just make sure to lie only to your friends and not about your friends. In my early days of lying, I told people at our high school that my best friend had a tail. She’s a very surly drunk and still to this day, she gets angry about it when you get a few drinks in her. That has been since overshadowed by the fact that I once threw a knife that hit her eyeglasses and also said a homeless person looked like her Mom. To be fair, I was going to say the homeless person had her Mom’s eyes but she was too drunk to notice the qualification. But I digress.

Lies don’t have to be reserved for just April Fool’s Day. It can be a useful tool but make sure to lie wisely, my friends. In the age of smartphones, it has become increasingly hard to lie believably because Google is just a click away to disprove you.

By the way, did you know that Google was invented by Bill Nye the science guy?

It’s true, I swear. Why would I lie?

mc:lp

Filed under: Friends, General   |  Leave a Comment

Template Text Messaging

26Feb10

This is an excellent technique for all you thunder thumb texters out there.

Randomly use template messages.

By using this technique, you can accomplish many things:
- Add some spice (in a really plain way) to your texting
- Reveal who your true friends are (Gina should say: WTF, Jackie!?! You don’t text like that)
- Save time (custom messages are for people with no lives, obvi)

While searching for an image to grace this post, I found this awesome blogger post:
Template Conversation

Rebecca Gamble, you’ve got swagger like no other. I’m jealous. Read her post for examples of great template message you may have on your phone — if you should be so lucky.

This technique was inspired by Marie Condenzio. She brilliantly texted me: “I’m on a date. I’ll call you later.” This puzzled the fuck out of me. First of all, I hadn’t texted her first. So, it was weird that she was texting me with a response. Secondly, Marie is a juicer, and said juicers (except me) tell other juicers when they have a planned date. Needless to say, it led on to an interesting dialogue via text, as usual.

mc:cs

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Tags: phone, template, text message

Raid The House

26Feb10

Ever wondered what would happen if a staple item just suddenly disappeared?

Probably not! That’s what makes this an good technique — no one thinks about this.

Check this technique, playa: You’re chilling in the cut at your BBFL’s house. Your BFFL heads to the bathroom to take a potty break, kitchen for a snack, backyard for a jog — what have you. That’s your cue! RAID THE HOUSE! Don’t waste time! Take a very useful item from their home and hide it somewhere else in their home.

It should be an item that your BFFL won’t notice at first (i.e. wall clock, remotes, telephone base, bathroom handsoap, alarm clock), but also something that will drive them crazy when they realize that it is gone.

The photos above document an actual raid that was performed by Brandon Scaglione at 1154 Stonybrook Rd. His technique was stealing the kitchen centerpiece: the wall clock. He hid this clock in the guest bed’s pillow case. Good technique, Branza.

mc:cs

Filed under: Friends   |  1 Comment
Tags: bffl, house, prank, wall clock

Facebook Fight Bomb

06Dec09

Facebook is a thriving internet community that helps you connect with old and new friends, family, co-workers, douchey ex-boyfriends and people who you graduated with but never once talked to in high school.  It’s a phenomenon that takes internet stalking into the thunderdome.  The anonymity of hiding in the quiet dark behind your computer screen can make you speak up when you would otherwise be quiet, rise up when you would normally stand down.  It can imbue a mostly timid human being with a sudden bravery.  It can also start mega mega internet bitch fights.

Let’s face it.  Some people are idiots about Facebook.  Posting updates whenever they eat a particularly delicious turkey club sandwich.  Letting you know HOW ANGRY THEY ARE ABOUT TEH FLIPPIN DMV!!!!!!1!!  Bragging when they go to a cool concert of an indie band that they knew about before you did.  Making sure everyone sees the picture of little Timmy his first time on the potty!  Everyone wants to have their say and sometimes throughout all that sayin’,  misinterpretation can turn into a knock-down, drag-out internetz fiasco.

So next time you read a 29 comment-long thread fight about which Law & Order series is the best, rudely interrupt with an uninformed and antagonistic opinion.  It’ll be fun.

Or better yet, bomb those really personal and vicious fights that couples get into on Facebook.  Hey, if they didn’t want your opinion, they wouldn’t have posted it all over your news feed, right?  They want to see you comment with “BURRRNNNNN” or “YOU GET ‘IM, GIRL!”  I believe it’s what they’re really looking for.  Now, go forth and book all over their faces.

P.S.  Dave and Anthony weren’t seriously fighting.  They’re just a bunch of silly geese and I love them.  But after writing this technique in September and trolling Facebook for MONTHS trying to find my friends fighting, I just decided to take what I could get.  Like my profile picture?

P.P.S.  SVU is the best Law & Order.  I love you, Elliot Stabler.

mc:lp

Filed under: Friends, The Internet   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: facebook, fighting, internet