Lie About Unnecessary Things

02Apr11

Lying gets a bad rap. People say it’s wrong, it hurts people. I say phooey.
I lie to my sister all the time. Once, after a day in the city, I told my sister I’d met Woody Harrelson. I crafted an entire fake conversation that we had together. She, of course, believed me, because what’s the point in lying about a thing like that? The point is, it was funny and she still gets mad about it when I mention it. That makes me happy. It’s good for the soul.

The trick is never to lie about important stuff. That can get you in trouble. But lying about unnecessary shit is fun. Maybe even good for you. To get people to believe your bullshit you have to be really creative and think on your feet. In fact, a scientist in Sweden has done a lot of research on the health benefits of lying. Apparently, usage of the part of your brain that is involved with crafting a lie helps ward off dementia and Alzheimer’s, just like doing a crossword puzzle. Actually, that whole scientist thing was a lie. But the point is, I feel my brain working and it feels good.

Lying to strangers is a great way to start before you get your family, friends and boss in on the fun. When someone asks you your dog’s name on the street, don’t tell them the truth. They don’t really care anyway. Say his name is Crampy Legs or Soup Candle or Body Butter. If it’s weird enough, they’ll go home and tell their friends about it. Now you’re bringing joy into countless people’s lives. I tell people that my sister’s dog Ash was named after Ashton Kutcher. She hates that but it makes people laugh. Pay it forward.

Just make sure to lie only to your friends and not about your friends. In my early days of lying, I told people at our high school that my best friend had a tail. She’s a very surly drunk and still to this day, she gets angry about it when you get a few drinks in her. That has been since overshadowed by the fact that I once threw a knife that hit her eyeglasses and also said a homeless person looked like her Mom. To be fair, I was going to say the homeless person had her Mom’s eyes but she was too drunk to notice the qualification. But I digress.

Lies don’t have to be reserved for just April Fool’s Day. It can be a useful tool but make sure to lie wisely, my friends. In the age of smartphones, it has become increasingly hard to lie believably because Google is just a click away to disprove you.

By the way, did you know that Google was invented by Bill Nye the science guy?

It’s true, I swear. Why would I lie?

mc:lp

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