Lying gets a bad rap. People say it’s wrong, it hurts people. I say phooey.
I lie to my sister all the time. Once, after a day in the city, I told my sister I’d met Woody Harrelson. I crafted an entire fake conversation that we had together. She, of course, believed me, because what’s the point in lying about a thing like that? The point is, it was funny and she still gets mad about it when I mention it. That makes me happy. It’s good for the soul.

The trick is never to lie about important stuff. That can get you in trouble. But lying about unnecessary shit is fun. Maybe even good for you. To get people to believe your bullshit you have to be really creative and think on your feet. In fact, a scientist in Sweden has done a lot of research on the health benefits of lying. Apparently, usage of the part of your brain that is involved with crafting a lie helps ward off dementia and Alzheimer’s, just like doing a crossword puzzle. Actually, that whole scientist thing was a lie. But the point is, I feel my brain working and it feels good.

Lying to strangers is a great way to start before you get your family, friends and boss in on the fun. When someone asks you your dog’s name on the street, don’t tell them the truth. They don’t really care anyway. Say his name is Crampy Legs or Soup Candle or Body Butter. If it’s weird enough, they’ll go home and tell their friends about it. Now you’re bringing joy into countless people’s lives. I tell people that my sister’s dog Ash was named after Ashton Kutcher. She hates that but it makes people laugh. Pay it forward.

Just make sure to lie only to your friends and not about your friends. In my early days of lying, I told people at our high school that my best friend had a tail. She’s a very surly drunk and still to this day, she gets angry about it when you get a few drinks in her. That has been since overshadowed by the fact that I once threw a knife that hit her eyeglasses and also said a homeless person looked like her Mom. To be fair, I was going to say the homeless person had her Mom’s eyes but she was too drunk to notice the qualification. But I digress.

Lies don’t have to be reserved for just April Fool’s Day. It can be a useful tool but make sure to lie wisely, my friends. In the age of smartphones, it has become increasingly hard to lie believably because Google is just a click away to disprove you.

By the way, did you know that Google was invented by Bill Nye the science guy?

It’s true, I swear. Why would I lie?

mc:lp

This is an excellent technique for all you thunder thumb texters out there.

Randomly use template messages.

By using this technique, you can accomplish many things:
- Add some spice (in a really plain way) to your texting
- Reveal who your true friends are (Gina should say: WTF, Jackie!?! You don’t text like that)
- Save time (custom messages are for people with no lives, obvi)

While searching for an image to grace this post, I found this awesome blogger post:
Template Conversation

Rebecca Gamble, you’ve got swagger like no other. I’m jealous. Read her post for examples of great template message you may have on your phone — if you should be so lucky.

This technique was inspired by Marie Condenzio. She brilliantly texted me: “I’m on a date. I’ll call you later.” This puzzled the fuck out of me. First of all, I hadn’t texted her first. So, it was weird that she was texting me with a response. Secondly, Marie is a juicer, and said juicers (except me) tell other juicers when they have a planned date. Needless to say, it led on to an interesting dialogue via text, as usual.

mc:cs

Ever wondered what would happen if a staple item just suddenly disappeared?

Probably not! That’s what makes this an good technique — no one thinks about this.

Check this technique, playa: You’re chilling in the cut at your BBFL’s house. Your BFFL heads to the bathroom to take a potty break, kitchen for a snack, backyard for a jog — what have you. That’s your cue! RAID THE HOUSE! Don’t waste time! Take a very useful item from their home and hide it somewhere else in their home.

It should be an item that your BFFL won’t notice at first (i.e. wall clock, remotes, telephone base, bathroom handsoap, alarm clock), but also something that will drive them crazy when they realize that it is gone.

The photos above document an actual raid that was performed by Brandon Scaglione at 1154 Stonybrook Rd. His technique was stealing the kitchen centerpiece: the wall clock. He hid this clock in the guest bed’s pillow case. Good technique, Branza.

mc:cs

Facebook is a thriving internet community that helps you connect with old and new friends, family, co-workers, douchey ex-boyfriends and people who you graduated with but never once talked to in high school.  It’s a phenomenon that takes internet stalking into the thunderdome.  The anonymity of hiding in the quiet dark behind your computer screen can make you speak up when you would otherwise be quiet, rise up when you would normally stand down.  It can imbue a mostly timid human being with a sudden bravery.  It can also start mega mega internet bitch fights.

Let’s face it.  Some people are idiots about Facebook.  Posting updates whenever they eat a particularly delicious turkey club sandwich.  Letting you know HOW ANGRY THEY ARE ABOUT TEH FLIPPIN DMV!!!!!!1!!  Bragging when they go to a cool concert of an indie band that they knew about before you did.  Making sure everyone sees the picture of little Timmy his first time on the potty!  Everyone wants to have their say and sometimes throughout all that sayin’,  misinterpretation can turn into a knock-down, drag-out internetz fiasco.

So next time you read a 29 comment-long thread fight about which Law & Order series is the best, rudely interrupt with an uninformed and antagonistic opinion.  It’ll be fun.

Or better yet, bomb those really personal and vicious fights that couples get into on Facebook.  Hey, if they didn’t want your opinion, they wouldn’t have posted it all over your news feed, right?  They want to see you comment with “BURRRNNNNN” or “YOU GET ‘IM, GIRL!”  I believe it’s what they’re really looking for.  Now, go forth and book all over their faces.

P.S.  Dave and Anthony weren’t seriously fighting.  They’re just a bunch of silly geese and I love them.  But after writing this technique in September and trolling Facebook for MONTHS trying to find my friends fighting, I just decided to take what I could get.  Like my profile picture?

P.P.S.  SVU is the best Law & Order.  I love you, Elliot Stabler.

mc:lp

As the proud daughter of an awesome librarian, it annoys me that these amazing places are desperately underused and ignored by the 18 to 24 yr old demographic to which I belong. Your mental image of a library might be a dim and daunting labyrinth of dusty old tomes, where harsh old women shush you and quash your youthful fervor. It’s not true.

Modern libraries are warm, inviting places that encourage knowledge, learning and yes, even fun. I would never be able to sign along with “Happy Together” by the Turtles if I’d never participated in “Flashing Fingers”, a sign language program I went to as a child for free at my public library. And the fun to be had isn’t just reserved for kids. I’ve never had to pay for a Netflix account because the library has such a vast collection of DVDs that I borrow everything I want for free. If they don’t happen to have that rare Swedish foreign film you’re looking for, they’ll interloan it from another library nearby, or even buy it for their shelves if it’s not readily available in the surrounding area.

No let’s dispel another rumor. Librarians are all stern old biddies whose only job is to tell you to be quiet, right? Wrong. One of my mom’s oldest friends is a male librarian with piercings and tattoos who plays in a band! They do a lot more than just sit at the reference desk and talk about the Dewey Decimal system. In the past, librarians have been fierce protectors of knowledge, blockading their doors against mobs of people try to burn banned literature. And even more important for the college student, they oftentimes find you all the books you need for your research paper. So go thank one.

Libraries welcome all (even smelly homeless people) to share in the vast amount of information that they hold. They have programs in everything from crocheting to computers to chess. You can get everything from career counseling to help with your taxes to a defensive driving course.

Your public library is waiting for you like an open book.
Read it.

mc:lp

Isn’t it fun to watch movies? Isn’t it fun to watch movies with friends or family members? Isn’t it fun to ruin movies for other people? We know, it is. Don’t lie.

This is a great technique for the next time you are on a long plane ride. Unfortunately, this technique can only be used when you are on a plane with personal televisions.

First, you must put on your best game face. Don’t let your face ruin this technique. With your game face on, ask your seat buddy (hopefully, a close friend or family member) if they want to watch a movie with you. Most likely, they’ll say “WTF?! We have our own sets, we can’t.” Tell them that you want to synchronize movies.

Proven fact: People love to synchronize things. Anything — swimming, playing music, mobile phone contacts — you name it, they love it.

So, they are totally jazzed at this point, and of course, they agree! So, you sync movies and starting viewing. Wait about 20-30 minutes or until they are deep into the movie. At that point, they are not longer paying attention to you, your screen, or if you are still in sync with them. Slyly, fast-forward your movie. Don’t do it too much, just enough. Perhaps, go to the next scene, 3-4 minutes ahead, etc. etc. You be the judge.

Then, something important happens on your screen, turn to them and make an exaggerated face. Get them all stirred up! It will either spoil the scene for them OR cause them to miss the scene. BAM! It’s like if Emeril threw a cup of water on your souffle!

mc:cs

There’s a lot of information on da intanetz, and a lot of it is credible, but sometimes it takes more than 16,790 negative reviews on IMDB for me to believe that a movie like “From Justin to Kelly” could possibly be a train wreck. Call me a doubting Thomas, but sometimes it just feels better when it comes from a friend.

Enter Technique: Recommend things you’re interested in to a friend.

When a new restaurant opens that sounds a little too good to be true, find a friend who has similar taste in food and encourage them to go there.

When a reasonable band puts out an album that’s unlike anything they’ve done but you’re still ear-hustlin’ 15 new albums on your iTunes playlist, recommend to a friend.

Have you found a potential new favorite show, but can’t find it in you to delete the past episodes of “So You Think You Can Dance”? (Great show btw) Find out a bit about the show and tell a friend with similar tastes.

Some things this might not work so well on are jobs, love interests, collectables, and pets.

mc:jg

I don’t know, maybe my friends have amnesia or something.  But I swear to God, they constantly re-tell me the same old stories over and over.  Even when I interrupt them to tell them I’ve heard this before, they soldier on and keep telling it, to my dismay.

They always seem to re-tell it differently, don’t they?  Each time they tell you about the time they told off their supervisor, they claim to have used more and more expletives and witty comebacks than they did before.

So I’ve started to implement this technique that will stop those “repeat offenders” (hahahaha get it?).
What I do is, when someone starts to tell me a story I’ve heard before, I rudely interrupt them and start telling the story for them.  But instead of telling the actual story, I tell a completely false absurd version that never happened.

Example:
Rhonda Repetition: So, on my birthday, my dad walks into the living room and he’s like—”
You: Oh my god, I remember this story! This is so funny.  That’s the one where your dad told you he got you a stripper for your birthday, but the stripper actually turned out to be your MOM, right?!?!  Hahahaha!

Watch their face.  It will be priceless.

mc:lp

*** Extra points if you can tell the story in front of people that don’t know your friend well, so they have a horrible first impression of them!

We all got INTANETZ nowadays. So then, let’s taking insults to the 21st century where they belong. Here’s a modern technique for you: insult people with URLs (aka websulting).

A few examples:
You would be a good web designer, if myspace.com mattered.
When can I see you on latfh.com?
You sound like freetranslation.com.
Did you graduate from simple.wikipedia.org?
I spotted your boyfriend on hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
Do you frequently visit lmgtfy.com?
Is your deviantart.com username “impretentious”?
Your facts are as credible as theonion.com.
You should submit that paper to engrish.com.
Do you have an aol.com mail account?
Was that your family on awkwardfamilyphotos.com?

mc:cs
assistance by mc:hellozar

This is a great travel technique. It serves two superb purposes:
(1) totally embarrassing someone you are with
(2) creating a joke that will be funny throughout your trip*

The Technique
When one of your travel partners is standing near someone that is über-embarrassing (i.e. unnecessary videotaping pre-departure in airport, fanny-pack full of extra large maps, war paint on face, fighting couple in Hawaiian shirts), ask them if they are traveling together.

To implement this technique, you must be savvy enough to:
(a) be completely serious
(b) act like you don’t know either of them
(c) slyly direct the question towards the awkward individual

C is extremely important because it will prompt an equally awkward response from the awkward individual.

An example:

In route from JFK to Amsterdam, my sisters and I were with my dad and grandfather. On the airport security line, my dad spotted an awkward individual dressed in all white and wearing some pretty fierce war paint on his face. My older sister was suddenly positioned next to this individual as they migrated from the pre-security checkpoint to the security line.

With great swagger, my dad approached them and nonchalantly stated, “Oh, are you two traveling together?” The awkward individual quickly replied with a disgusted “no”. As if the idea of traveling with her made him sick. Thus, this became one of the many jokes for the remainder of the trip.

* Not guaranteed for trips longer than 10 days

mc:cs